Purity Culture and "the big M word"

Continuing on from our conversation about 'lust' and what it really means to lust after a woman...Another thing I want to talk about is the topic of nudity. Nudity is natural. How did it become grotesque, indecent and gross? How did it become an object of ridicule? It's because of religion and traditions. Culture has a major influence on our lives. I don't mean to get religious on you, but here in the West, the culture has been heavily influenced by the Roman Catholic and Protestant churches. The church from about 400-500 AD onwards got their views on the naked body and sex from St. Augustine, who was a Gnostic priest. And the Gnostics taught that the physical was evil, the spiritual is good. He actually taught that undressing your own wife or thinking about having sex with her was a sin. But even he couldn't keep up his own religious game and broke down. He was quoted as saying, "Lord, give me chastity - but not yet!" Anyway, that's what Gnosticism believes and it has influenced us in big ways.

Anyway, back to the topic “at hand.” Safe to say, then, that porn leads us to touching and stroking ourselves for our own satisfaction, which is also known as: choking the chicken, bashing the bishop, polishing the spear, Downtown Lester Brown, Mr Palm and his five daughters, giving yourself a hand, jacking/jilling off, flicking the bean, ménage à moi, or the more boring, clinical term: masturbation, which is also known by another name: “Onanism.”

Oh, yes…Onan. Poor Onan. The guy has become synonymous with jerking off. Here’s what people will traditionally get wrong: they say that God killed him because he “spilled his seed on the ground.” In other words, they argue, he was a masturbator. Here’s what I say to that: he wasn’t masturbating!! It’s like people read this account and think he was inside a dark closet touching himself. That’s not even close to what it says! Read the entire passage:

“Judah said to Onan, Go to your brother’s wife, do your duty as her brother-in-law, and provide children for your brother. Onan knew the children wouldn’t be his so when he slept with his brothers wife, he wasted his semen on the ground, so he wouldn’t give his brother children. The Lord considered what he did as wrong and put him to death, too” (Gen 38:8-10, CEB, bold and underline mine).

If you’re confused, let me clear something up. Back then, there was this thing called the Levirate Law, which stated, “When brothers live together and one of them dies and has no son, the wife of the deceased shall not be married outside the family to a strange man. Her husband’s brother shall go in to her and take her to himself as wife and perform the duty of a husband’s brother to her. It shall be that the firstborn whom she bears shall assume the name of his dead brother, so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel” (Deut 25:5-6, italics and underline mine)¹.

Are you still confused…or are you just shocked…? Yes, by law, if the firstborn son died without a male heir, the brother must marry and provide for his sister-in-law, and his children will be attributed to his late brother. This is one of those unpopular Bible passages that preachers like to sweep under the rug…specifically, because, to accomplish having children with her, he must have sex with his sister-in-law. That’s right! Judah was telling Onan that it was his duty, under the law, to “provide children” for his late brother. That means he needed to have sex with his sister-in-law Tamar!!!

Wow, you never heard that in church, now have ya?? So, if masturbation wasn’t the problem, why did God slay him? Well, he “spilled his seed.” Wait – wasn’t I arguing that it wasn’t the reason he was killed? Well, it is – but for a different reason. He was having sex with Tamar with no real intention of fathering children for his late brother. In other words, he was using her as a type of “sex toy” and “pulling out” at the last second. This is also known scientifically as “coitus interruptus” or “the pull-out method” of birth control. This could also be seen as a type of rape, since the contract was that he was going to have sex with her specifically to give his dead brother children to continue his legacy. It was not to be for pleasure, for which he indulged himself with no regard to what he was doing to her. Make sense now?

There’s also this false notion that it was a sin for men to masturbate specifically because they “carried the seed” and each “unfruitful” emission was seen as “wasted seed” that could have went to bearing children. I personally believe that it may have been frowned upon, if anyone found out about the act. Not that it really stops horny teen boys from touching themselves. Besides, where is masturbation prohibited in the Mosaic Law? Surely, God could have easily added in that commandment to keep your hands off your genitals, right? Ok, let’s say I buy the whole “it’s a sin because you are wasting seed” – but then…where does that leave women?? Oh, please don’t tell me that women don’t masturbate – most of them have done it at least once, and many continue to do so throughout their lives – so don’t go there! They don’t have any seed to spill! Only men carry the “seeds.” Are you going to tell me that every time a woman masturbates, her ovaries pop out an egg and the egg gets wasted? Ridiculous! Obviously, these people have no idea how female anatomy works!

As for me, I have been masturbating ever since I was a teenager, as with the vast majority of men – and people in America and around the world, in general. Then, when I turned 21, I sadly joined a church that disapproved of masturbating (as most of them wrongly do), citing it as "impurity." I stopped masturbating for 2 years straight. Then, I did it again. I slipped up. And I felt so much guilt and shame over it. The next five years after that, I have had a love-hate relationship with it. Now, I've learned that it's natural, normal, and beautiful. I kinda liken it to “scratching an itch.” Sometimes we just need that release, especially for men because we have a physiological need to release backed up semen and, um, “drain” our balls. If you masturbate, there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilt or shame! If you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you! And I am telling you that the pervasive lies of the “purity culture” are hurting both men and women!

“Purity culture”

Let me just get that off my chest. As someone who has experienced l-o-n-g periods of celibacy, I know the frustration, the loneliness, the resentment of those who have had to go through this. And you know what? I didn't have to. I could've been out there partying like everyone else, instead of trying to be "pure," as defined by evangelical circles. This is why I don't really go to any churches any more. I hate the purity culture. Besides constantly harping on the demonic doctrine of eternal hell, I hate this particular aspect of it more than anything. They say, "You can't have sex before you're married, but when you do get married, the sex will be wonderful" (what a load that is!). So, if I never get married, I will never get to have sex?? If I don't marry, I'll die a virgin? No, thanks. Besides, celibacy is unnatural. You hear that? The same wording that they use for homosexuals and homosexuality, I'm using to describe their idiotic message of prudery. It is unnatural. Everything in nature reproduces. Every living creature has a drive for sex. It's a wonderful thing. So stop "denying yourself" and just let go. Enjoy yourself, and enjoy the body that you've been given. There’s a video out there that I’ve watched that tackles this very real problem of purity culture. It’s called “Give Me Sex, Jesus.” You can watch it for free here – https://vimeo.com/137784146.

If you don’t know what the purity culture is…then, you my friend, should be grateful!! It is basically this “wait until you’re married to even start thinking about sex” message that I now find just disgusting! A website defines what this movement is and identifies four problems that it has created,

“If we travel back in time to the decade of the 90’s, youth groups and rallies will be discussing a new campaign geared toward sexual purity. This campaign is called “True Love Waits” and its goal is to create a wave of young men and women who choose not to have sex before marriage.

The message of True Love Waits is just as important and pertinent to our culture today as it was in the 90’s. There is a resurgence of the sexual revolution in our culture that says that if it feels good then it’s okay…

1. Impurity Becomes Something You Can’t Come Back From

Young people are impressionable. When someone they look up to, such as their pastor, says to that if you’re a Christian, you will abstain from sex until marriage, they believe it. This is a scary path to go down because it leads to the belief that you must do something to earn your salvation. This message says you are not good enough if you fail. It measures you against other’s level of faith. A person’s sexual history does not determine one’s spiritual status. Writer Camden Morgante sums this idea up when she says, “Rather than knowing Christians by their relationship with Jesus, purity culture asserts that we will know them by their virginity.” If purity is a measure of one’s faith, then sexual abstinence becomes the focus. We spend all our time resisting temptation and forget where our focus should be, on Jesus. In essence we have a faith based on works alone. Purity becomes an idol. We are no longer free to develop and nurture a meaningful relationship with God. Purity is one aspect of a healthy relationship with God. But it is certainly not the only aspect, and pressuring teens to remain pure out of fear of hell will not give them room to nurture this relationship.

2. Women Become Responsible for the Sexual Purity of Men

The message of purity culture is almost solely marketed toward girls and women. Words like “chastity” and “virginity” are thrown around and it’s the girls who are to guard themselves from the sexual evils of the world. We are told only the virgins wear a white dress on their wedding day. We are taught that if we wear certain things or act a certain way, we are provoking lust in men. Unfortunately, this puts a lot of pressure on women. Somehow, they find they are not only responsible for themselves, but responsible for keeping men from committing sexual sins. Traditional gender roles are at the heart of the true love waits message. There is a patriarchal theology that has very deep roots. This theology states that women are to perform their “wifely duties” and if they don’t, then the man will need to seek fulfillment elsewhere, therefore, committing a sin—but it’s the wife’s fault. Women are not responsible for men’s purity. And we need to stop treating them like they are.

3. Purity Culture Perpetuates Fear and Negative Stigmas

Purity culture has come to mean that for one to be pure, they must be a virgin. So, I ask, where is the grace, mercy, and forgiveness? If a young person does experience a sexual act before marriage, are they forever distanced from God? I often watch British historical dramas. In every storyline there is the girl that falls to temptation and is told she would forever be “damaged goods.” Today is no different. Our culture calls women who engage in sexual acts outside of marriage vulgar names. People will say that no decent man will have them because they are unclean. Those words bring a sense of shame to women. It is like wearing a scarlet letter on your chest. We may feel like we can never forgive ourselves. The God we serve is a God of forgiveness. When we make mistakes, He will forgive us. He will extend a measure of grace and mercy in our lives. Purity culture is not sharing this message, and that needs to change.

4. The Biblical Ethic of Sex Is Lost

When we put all our energy into teaching purity, we tend to forget to teach God’s design for sex. We spend all our time telling our youth that they should not have premarital sex, when we should be telling them why God created sex and how sex fits inside a marriage. Our desire should be to teach our children that sex is a special bond between a husband and wife. God designed males and females to have the ability to fit together as one. It is a representation of oneness in the sight of God. Biblical sex is beautiful, fulfilling, and a gift from God. If the only message about sex is that it’s bad or evil, what will be the long-term effects of our teens believing that? What kind of shame will still surround sex, even after a biblical marriage?”

(Source: https://www.crosswalk.com/church/pastors-or-leadership/reasons-purity-culture-is-so-toxic.html)

This author goes on to say that he does “believe that purity campaigns like True Love Waits are beneficial.” Guess what? I don’t. Sexual incompatibility is one of those things that people get divorced over. I don’t care what Pastor Mark Driscoll says…yeah, Mark, it is a big deal, ok?? Did you know this kind of thinking leads to divorces? I can tell you from my own experiences, I was effected by the purity culture propagandists – although, thankfully – not as much as others! Take those who read Joshua Harris’ book, for example. I Kissed Dating Goodbye was a mega-hit when it first came out, and many people have been hurt by its “advice” from a 21-year-old man who was home schooled his entire life. A website reports,

“In 2018, he ‘unpublished’ his book and apologized for it. The next year, he got a divorce from his wife—and Christianity. Now he’s doing a blitz of interviews, and dropping details—like that his book was largely contrived. The book leaves the impression he was a regular high school kid, moving from girl to girl—alarmed at feeling hardened to the rising carnality. Jesus didn’t like it!…he tells a story that’s different from the book’s narrative. Though homeschooled, he’d been on a gymnastics team, and the sin started to flow. “I was making out with these girls behind the school. I stole pornographic magazines and was doing all these things that were very inappropriate for a Christian homeschooled boy to be doing…It wasn’t his real story. The book was Evangelical messaging that was framed within the culture of the homeschooling activist community—which, as Harris notes, “back in the 1980s was super radical.”

To them, the talk of inflamed sexual feelings and carnality would’ve pointed to the dangers of public schooling. Public schooling was considered the problem — from sex to drugs to rock music. The Evangelical dream was to form isolated communities which wouldn’t have to interact with the “secular world.”

(Source: https://medium.com/belover/joshua-harris-the-truth-about-the-purity-culture-4fa78ffe47cb)

Since realizing the problems associated with his book, Harris has had to come face-to-face with the people that had experienced negative consequences from his so-called “advice.” Another website says,

“Several years ago, Harris apologized for his book, which he wrote as a single man at the age of 21, even participating in a documentary about it, but the consequences remain. Those imprinted by the ethos of purity culture have often experienced devastating psychological issues as a result of guilt, shame, and false promises they were taught…The worst aspects of purity culture included a hyper-focus on legalism, identity-based sin, and highlighting women’s bodies specifically as a source of temptation. This messaging was severely and sinfully misguided. Christian leaders weaponized God’s beautiful gift of sexuality against us, ultimately creating an evangelical version of Me Too for our sexual histories, or lack thereof, when we finally entered marriage. In the mid-’90s, I had nearly perfect youth group attendance and signed a “purity pledge” at a sexual purity festival called Youthfest held in my home town each year. It featured the hottest Christian rock bands, face painting, Slip ‘N Slides, mud pits, bounce houses — and grave warnings about the dangers of sex outside of marriage. The message was clear: There will be severe personal and spiritual consequences if you get this one wrong. Just sign your dreams of marriage and motherhood on the dotted line and exchange it when you’re ready (as if you could just choose when and who to marry so easily.) I signed the pledge at 12 and again at 13. That was good enough for my parents, and other evangelical families, who breathed a sigh of relief that purity culture teachings gave them an out on the sex talk. Parents across the country opted out of vital conversations that might have reframed the truth about sex: that our sexual sin doesn’t define us any more than other sins — which is to say, it doesn’t at all. The pledges didn’t hold in the long run for most. A 2009 study reports that sexual activity for signers was on par with nonsigners just five years later. Legalism and willpower aren’t a lasting combination for teens told one sexual escapade will ruin them evermore. On top of that, when they weren’t married by age 30, many were left wondering: Where is my reward?”

(https://thefederalist.com/2019/08/02/purity-culture-trauma-didnt-push-away-faith/)

I’ve seen this particular book being sold at the church I used to go to, and at other places. I’m so, so glad that I didn’t read it! Just to let you know, I was one of those people that (secretly) wondered in my head “I’ve done all of the right steps, I’ve done better than everyone else I know in keeping my purity, I keep it in my pants and haven’t masturbated all that much these last few years…so, where the hell is my girlfriend at?? Where is this person that I’m supposed to be with for the rest of my life?? When am I supposed to get married so I can have sex???” It got so bad that it was one of the main reasons that drove me from church. Yeah, it was that bad. After I left church, I looked at the “dirty” porn and masturbated to my heart’s content! There was no “discipler” to confess to. There was no feeling of guilt! I was free! I then got into sex toys…but that might be a story for another day…

There was a lady that was very involved in the purity culture, and she says,

“I wish I had dated around in college, and maybe even in high school. I wish I had dated casually. I wish I had done double dates. I wish I had had a boyfriend or two. I wish I had had both the experiences and the knowledge that would come with this. I was taught that dating was practice for divorce. Actually, dating is practice for relationships. You learn things through dating. My husband dated before he met me, and I have to say, he was a better boyfriend, and is today a better husband, because of it. I would not undo his previous relationships for the world. The truth is, when two young people who have never dated before are thrown together, they have no idea what they’re doing. Yet this is the ideal of the courtship movement. The expectations are high and the experience is low. If you ask me, this is a recipe for disaster. In contrast, when two people who have dated before meet each other and start to date, they have knowledge, skills, and experience they would not have had if they had not dated before. There is a maturity there that is not present in those who have never dated before. When people date, they learn things about themselves and about what they want in a partner and about how relationships work and don’t work. Yes, sometimes there are mistakes, and yes, sometimes relationships end in disaster, but that is how we learn. We can’t learn without doing. I can say today without a doubt that I would have been a better girlfriend, and perhaps I would even a better wife today, if I had dated before meeting the man who is now my husband. I would have known more about relationships and about myself. I would have been more mature and experienced. The truth is, when I first started dating my husband I had no frickin clue what I was doing. I was so green, so naive, so inexperienced. And so, I regret the fact that I didn’t date before meeting my husband. I’m not saying that dating is perfect and I well am aware that by not dating I skipped out on pain and possible heartbreak as well as experiences, knowledge, and self awareness. Still, I regret it. Strange, I don’t think my parents ever thought of this potential outcome!”

(Source: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2011/08/courtship-dating-and-regret.html)

My take…purity culture is another big, fat “Christian” lie! While waiting for marriage is ideal for some, it may not be realistic for all. The decision to share your body’s most intimate secrets with someone and have sex with him/her/them is one of, if not the most, personal decisions you can make! DO NOT let other people, no matter how well-meaning they may be, make that decision for you! Honestly, I don’t really think “giving in” a few days before you say “I do” and slip on a piece of jewelry is really going to do anything! But, that’s a conversation for another time. By the way, while marriage may be wonderful, it does have tons of challenges! Regular sex is only one of the benefits of marriage, but my advice is to be prepared for life’s little hurdles – they will come! But, I digress. Up next, I am going to talk about “sexual immorality” and why it really isn’t what you’ve been told that it is!

 

1If you still need more reading on this subject, please visit: https://www.thetorah.com/article/the-levirate-law-a-marriage-contract-clause-that-became-legislation.